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These clear premonitions of Tolstoy's ultimate convictions show how his mind and heart
were continually working beneath all the apparent absorption of his literary and
domestic life. At fifty years of age he found himself celebrated, rich,
surrounded by a loved and loving family, and yet so wretched that he thought
seriously of suicide, and gave up shooting for fear that he might be tempted to
blow out his brains, and hid a rope which offered itself too readily to him as a
means of escape. The question which he had throughout his life buried under his
superficial activities now rose to confront him and to insist upon an answer.
The crisis, which we find in the lives of men who pass through deep spiritual
experiences, and are by them fitted to guide others, was upon him. He too was
led into the wilderness. The fact was that the life which had been his, however
honourable in the eyes of the world, was not the true life; his relations, the
relations of a rich man, to the poor peasantry round him were not such as were
demanded by his deepest soul, and it was finally in readjusting those relations
that he found peace.
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